Robert Gates says asking and telling would be “enormous”

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates has used his position in the military hierarchy to do what we have come to expect our military to do: criticize the civilians who mistakenly think they control them. He said today that ending “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the armed forces would have “enormous consequences.” Evidently with the floodgates open the torrent of asking and telling would be so enormous that we could never find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq or bring back Osama bin Laden “dead or alive” (as the former commander in chief ordered) even if we stayed in Afghanistan for 9 year.

And you know, frankly, it’s about time the courts just butt out of the business of the armed forces anyway. What do they know about due process? That’s why we had to take all the people we wanted to imprison indefinitely to Cuba. To Cuba! Why that’s downright unAmerican. They should be deprived of basic rights right here in the old US of A. As for equal protection of the laws, why, the armed forces can handle that just find, thank you very much. Just look at their history. Didn’t they openly embrace fellow African Americans as soon as they could? Didn’t they treat them equally, or almost equally, well before the Korean War? After the President ordered it over the objections of the military? But soon, the armed forces liked African Americans so much they disproportionately used them in Vietnam. So don’t tell me about equality, Ms federal court judge who probably never had to worry about IEDs in her whole life. So how would she know about the dangers of asking and telling? Say you are riding down a deserted desert road in one of those armored vehicles that the natives like so much. And just as you are trying to drive carefully, the guy in the seat next to you says, “I’m gay.” Maybe you even asked (that’s not the point). All of a sudden you are so startled that you lose control of the vehicle and it rolls over costing the American taxpayers a half million dollars (that’s not really important either).

General Buck Turgidson thinking of Miss Scott during a meeting on Don't Ask Don't Tell in the War Room.

These things should be left to really honest-to-god hetero American heroes like General Buck Turgidson and Robert Gates. If you listen to them carefully, neither Buck Turgidson or Robert Gates will ever lead you astray. But perhaps more importantly neither Buck Turgidson or Robert Gates ever took over a SAC facility and barricaded himself in his office and gave the Fail Safe Command to the nuclear bombers. But that is exactly what you would be looking at if you allowed an untrained federal judge to apply Nineteenth Century concepts like Equal Protection to a Twenty-First Century world where the enemy is everywhere, the war has no object, fighting will never end (hopefully) and military careers could take off as never before when there were such things like winning and losing wars.

Col. Mandrake made the mistake of asking and now Brig. Gen. Ripper is telling. Do you want to risk this on the say-so of a federal judge? A girl one too!

You don’t believe me or Robert Gates? Well who was it who gave the Fail Safe Code? Yes, that’s right it was Brigadier General Jack Ripper. And while we don’t know for certain that he was gay, we know he did not have a healthy hetero outlook like Robert Gates does. And what triggered this world calamity? Yes, Colonel Lionel Mandrake had to ASK!

This is just one of the numerous “enormous consequences” Robert Gates has the foresight to warn you about. If you don’t listen to him he won’t be responsible anymore. And you can’t possibly want to stop the way these guys have been handling two wars over the past decade, could you? You just got to trust them. They know what they’re doing. That’s why they have a special department called “Military Intelligence.”

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